To selfish to have children?

There is something so fundamental about the wish to reproduce, something so raw, so basic to a human being that’s it is almost like it is a given that everyone should want to do just that. Yet, there are a whole lot of people who doesn’t due to various causes. Some simply can’t, some doesn’t have the time right now, and some plainly just don’t want to be a parent. And I am all fine with that. What I’m not fine with is the society’s expectations to when one should want to reproduce, and most of all people who tell you all their thoughts they may have on the subject.

I’m at the age where at least my society thinks I should have reproduced a long time ago. I have everything one can need to start a family. I have a stable relationship, a big house, education, we both have safe jobs – god damn it, we even have two station wagons and a dog.  And because of this it seems everybody now has a right to ask me if I’m pregnant every time I so much as mentions being sick, tired or god forbid, has clothes on that makes me look pregnant. I’m so sick of telling people I’m not pregnant – just fat. I find it so offending, the way my life and my body supposedly is everyone’s property when they think I’m pregnant. And just to make it very clear, I’m not the cuddly kind you hug whenever you want to, and my body language is not that difficult to read. I don’t even like people touching me without me knowing them, and not even then is it ok for everyone.

Reading this, I realize I just described myself as an old dog with sore tail that will snap at you if you come to close. Witch to be fair, isn’t so far from the truth.

What all those people who pet my belly and asks me what I wish for (for Christmas then maybe?), doesn’t know – is that we for a fact have been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years. But I can’t tell them that, I can’t take the pity even though it’s well meant.

And to be perfectly honest, if we had gotten pregnant on the first try, we would probably have a huge problem on our hands, because that would have meant utter mental chaos for me.  I can’t think of anything scarier then being responsible for another human being. I mean, sure the dog turned out fine, but at kid can tell on you if you fuck up. And looking at how dark and twisted I turned out to be, there is a very real possibility that I can pass some of my not so nice quirkiness on. And it’s not just that. I am actually scared of the thought of having a human being on the inside of me like an alien, twirling and spinning, forcing me to pass the control of my body over to somebody else. The control freak aspect of it is maybe the most terrifying. Having to trust seemingly random people who have or have not gone to well renowned schools and had good practice since that. Or god forbid having to rely on my hubby who has not a nursing bone in his body (if it’s in there it’s well hidden).

And there is another thing. A thing so dark and twisted to me, that it has taken me moths to be able to realize it completely or even say it out loud.

 I’m deathly scared of being jealous and/or bitter towards my own children’s accomplishments.   

I am actually so competitive that I can visualize my self being jealous of my own child. Especially if they turn out to being able to accomplish all the goals that I only half made in my life.  It’s a great sorrow for me that I’m now too old to become the world champion or anything like that, in any sport. I beat myself up every time I think about the chance I could have had, if I had stayed persistent true my youth in my sport. I was one of the best in my age group, now I am simply mediocre. And boy, do I hate being mediocre. I always stride towards being the best in what I do when I’m serious about something. I don’t do things halfway. It’s what makes me so damn good at what I do for a living.   But it’s also a curse. I have so much I want to accomplish in my life, so much I want to do, and chance is that it will never happen.  There is a lot I’m willing to let go, but the four major dreams I simply can’t let go.

So since this is a sole wrenching, I’m going to put them down, every single major dream I still have, and explain if not for anybody else but myself, what’s holding me back.

Writing and performing my own songs

-          My anxiety of public humiliation holds me back from even trying to sing in public. I can sing for children, I can sing at parties, I can sing in car’s, but I can’t seem to  find enough courage to sing in front of an audience who is going to critique me. My worst fears would be someone telling me I’m tone-deaf, even though I know that’s not the reality.

I have been told I have a decent singing voice, and I know I am musical. So maybe one day, with a band, on a stage, you’ll see me. Because it’s not so scary in a group, more people to take the blame.

Oh and I have to learn to play the guitar properly first, somehow trumpet doesn’t mix with vocals.

Acting

-          Here also the public humiliation thing is the main factor. That and making myself so vulnerable. It has taken years to build these walls of protection so solid and trustworthy, acting would mean taking them down all at once.  But I honestly think it would be a great relief to do so. If I knew I was good. If I knew I wasn’t going to fall flat on my face, if, if, if.

Moving abroad to England or USA

-          I’m not actually sure if I really want this, or if it’s a form of run and hide tactic of my mind. Because I some days love my life here, but other days I crave the impulses the world can offer. But in order to do so, we would have to root up our entire life here, and I don’t really want to do that either. I couldn’t ask my hubby to do that for me to follow some diffuse dream.

Publishing a book

-          This is the only given that I am going to accomplice in my life. Books are my passion; I have loved them since I was a child. And frankly I don’t read them – I devour them. I read so fast that I am thinking about adding another language to my skills, to slow me down, just to make the books last longer.  And I have so many books in me. So many observations of the world and personas that need to be put down on paper.

But there is one question I can’t shake; does this make me so selfish that I should not have any children?

I do want children. I love seeing my hubby with kids. And I’m good with them. But putting everything in my life on hold, and for how long? Can I ever do anything just for again without the mommy mafia accusing me of being a bad mom? If I want to follow my dreams, can I do so? Does it make me a bad mommy to leave the children behind with their daddy? If I was a guy, I feel like these questions wouldn’t even matter.  

And I’m so scared having a child will change everything between me and my hubby to the extent that we will part. He is a fragile soul, and so am I. Will there be enough room for two fragile souls with needs and a child or two? I don’t want children if it means losing him. He does also want children, but I think he is as scared as me, scared of it driving us apart. We are such a good match, teammates and buddy’s. And if the worst of everything should happen, and we split up, is it legit for me to want him to have main custody?

As I read true this, I realize I have reflected upon every possible outcome should we be blessed with a kid, and we are not even close…….. sometimes I wish I was just a little dumber…..

Fuck me like a man

Sex is the most necessary thing in a relationship, and the thing it’s the most controversy about. And no doubt the thing that causes most of the fights in relationships. If it’s good, everything else tends to be good. But if it’s bad, everything else falls apart.

So why is it so hard to talk about?

Why is it that I can’t just tell my man what I really want? Especially when you consider the fact that I can easily tell my girlfriends, and I sort of expect it’s the same for the guys.

But why? Why am I embarrassed about my own sexuality? Is it society that has hammered its norms about what a woman is supposed to want into my head unknowingly?

Or is it myself? Have I lulled myself into a belief that if I tell my better half what I wan’t , he will leave me?   Have I fooled myself so well that I actually think my needs are so unique that he should make a run for it? Am I  really that shallow that I think I’m so special?

It’s a lot of unanswered questions, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to answer them all. But I do think I’m leaning towards the last one. I’m a bit scared he’ll leave me, or at least mock me.

Reading this you must think I have a really obscure fetish that never should see the light of day. That even in these days of Fifty shades of Gray and Gideon Cross, I have a secret so dark and so twisted you wouldn’t be able to guess it even if you tried for years. Sadly no, I don’t.

What I want is simply the same as most people desire, whether they are in a relationship or not. It’s as simple and as hard as desire. I want steaming hot desire, passion and lust. I want someone, preferably him to want me so bad that he can’t control himself. I want him to push me into walls, pin me with his body and pant whit desire. I want someone to look at me with hunger in their eyes. I want the tension that is between two people playing the game, before the first kiss. I want desperation, and primal needs. Basically I want him to fuck me like a man – or at least want to do just that.  No mercy, no limits, no prisoners.  

And let’s be honest. Doesn’t everybody what that? Isn’t that why the mommy porn books sell so well? It feeds into the fantasy that passionate sex is always an option. And believe me, something happens to the passion in a long time relationship.  It goes to sleep, only to occasionally wake up and make at least me remember what it was like in the beginning. And that really and truly sucks.  So we need an out – a little pick me up to remind us that were not all boring inside.

For a person like me with an overly active imagination, I tend to see to this “problem” by indulging myself in these mommy porn books. Reading them over and over again, secretly wishing the hubby would read them too and maybe take a few pointers with him along the way. Not that he is bad, but it can always be better.

 But why is it that I am not able to just tell him that, that I want him to stop being so considerate every time and just do what he really wants every once in a while. Maybe it’s the thought and possibility of him not wanting to do just that, or that he simply doesn’t feel the same way.  It’s a bit scary to put yourself out there like that, to open yourself up, exposed – raw. It’s actually easier to do it with someone you aren’t in a relationship with, maybe because their opinion stops mattering the moment you walk out the door. If they laugh at you, all you have to do is throw something at them and leave. With your partner, you can’t do that, not without consequences at least. That’s why it’s so scary to be with someone, you lay your heart on the line, expose the darkest parts of your personality and all you can do is hope that you don’t completely scare him or her away.  

Highly sensitiv personality or emapth?

I thought I should write something about being a empath or an highly sensitive person. I’m not quite sure what the different is. I fit quite well in both categories. Actually I kind of believe that the accepted term of a highly sensitive personality in physiological circles is in some way the legit form of calling someone an empath. In my mind they are somewhat the same thing. I know many people don’t agree with me on this, but I still choose to see the two as one. I don’t like to put myself in either category.  There is some definitions on what a highly sensitive person is, this is wikipedia’s version:

 "A highly sensitive person (HSP) is a person having the innate trait of high sensitivity (or innate sensitiveness as Carl Gustav Jung originally coined it). According to Elaine N. Aron and colleagues as well as other researchers, highly sensitive people, which would represent about a fifth of the population, process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly due to a biological difference in their nervous systems. This is a specific trait with key consequences that in the past has often been confused with innate shyness, inhibitedness, innate fearfulness, introversion, and so on. The existence of the trait of innate sensitivity was demonstrated using a test that was shown to have both internal and external validity."

But here are some telltale signs of being an highly sensitive person, with my description on how it works for me under. But remember, what is true for me, may not be true for someone else.  

 

1.       Can you hear things others cannot, especially high-pitched sounds?

 

- I can’t stand high pitch noises, bangs or loud music. Simply having the tv on to loud annoys me. Even worse is if people make repetitive noises, like tapping a pen, picking on something or tapping a foot up and down. I can stand it for a little while, but I cannot ignore it. It creeps up under my skin, building up more and more irritation to the point where I have to make them stop no matter how. It doesn’t even have to be people making the noises, light fixtures or something else that makes to others low key noises, can make me go crazy.  Strangely I love listening to loud music by myself, or in my car. Maybe because music I chose my self focuses my emotions in one direction, and I put it on loud to drown out others sounds. I sometimes even put on specific music, to give myself specific emotions – or to unleash emotions.  But really loud noises actually gives me physical pain, it hurts my ears to the point where I have to cover them. In concerts I always have to wear ear plugs. Funny enough I enjoy target practice at the gun range – but only with hearing protection gear on.   

2.       Do you notice smells that others miss?

 

- Nice smells I don’t seem to pick up better than others, but the not so nice smells. I’m sadly somewhat super tuned to them.  Some perfumes that are subtle don’t cause any problems for me, but really strong smells – they make me flinch.  So needless to say, I don’t visit perfume shops more than necessary.  Tax free shops at airports are my own personal hell sometimes. I don’t especially like strong smells of food either, it depends a little on if I have relation to that food or not.  And body odors, don’t even get me started.  

3.       Do you know what other people need before they ask?

- Oh yes, my intuition is my own special super power. Although I sometimes feel like the perfect waiter, always having on hand what people need being it material stuff or emotional something. I don’t actually think about it, I just know. It like it’s programmed so deep inside, that I don’t actually need to think about it so much. I actually like to challenge myself from time to time, and try and figure out what makes me know. Half the time I’m not able to figure it out. So it open for debate, if it’s just that I’m so freaking good at reading other peoples body language, change in tone and subtle hints in what they say, or that I know because I feel what they feel.  I do know that I overanalyze everything sometimes. I can pick a situation to bits and pieces days – even years after it happened, trying to understand what actually happened and why. I usually end up blaming myself in some way or another

But sometimes it has to be that I know because I feel what they feel. There is no other way for me to explain that I can get an overwhelming sense that someone needs something (like a friend, or cheering up), without even having talked to them in a while.

 

  

4.       Do you notice the flicker on older computer screens or older fluorescent fixtures?
- Flickering lights don’t get to be on for long when I’m around. It bugs me.

 

5.       Do you get “overwhelmed” by joy when you experience great beauty: A beautiful sunset, an incredible musical performance, the smile of your child?

 

-          Absolutely, especially if it catches me of guard. I can catch myself feeling an overwhelming feeling of bliss, and standing there with a goofy smile on my face, without anyone else seeming to notice. Music, tv and movies also does this to me. With my guard down, I have my feelings on the outside – it’s showing on my face like an open book.

 

 

6.       Do you feel threatened or uneasy in large crowds or big cities?

 

- I like going to the city sometimes, but I always feel thankful when I get home that I don’t live in the city.

Too much hassle, too much people, too much input to process. I don’t like going to the mall at busy days either. Shopping before Christmas can turn me into a not so nice stressed out mad woman – all the people and all the nagging.

 

7.       Do you have “emotional radar” that picks up on what others are feeling?

 

- Ever heard about the elephant in the room? I pick up on it every time there is an elephant there.  Doesn’t matter if it has been an argument, a secret or something else that has evoked some great emotions – I know.  And the feelings – it’s the same as the intuition.  But I absolutly hate figthing with people, the anger and bad feelings in the room make me sick. So I tend to do everything I can to make things right again.

 

8. Do you pick up physical symptoms from other people?

-  This doesn’t happen to me very often. But when it does, I’m baffled. Someone has told me I have unused healing powers, I don’t know about that but something fishy happens sometimes.

 

9.       Does reading or hearing about bad news have a dramatic impact on your mood?

-  I’m a news junkie. I have to know what’s going on in the world and it worries me greatly. When things get to overwhelming I have to stop reading about it. For example I can’t cope with wars, disasters and accidents that involve many people. I read the headlines and maybe look at the pictures, but I don’t read the text. It don’t know why I can’t after a while, but it’s like my body is telling me it’s enough. 

10. If you see a bad car accident does it affect you for the entire day?
- Check! Plus I try to decipher what happened, the mechanisms. Strangely I enjoy watching shows about accidents and emergencies, but only in order to understand what’s caused it. In some way it gives me peace to understand.  

 

11.   Have you been diagnosed with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and/or do you experience a noticeable drop in your energy and mood during the winter?

-          Every year.

 

12.    Have you ever had a transcendent or mystical experience?
Highly sensitive people are naturally more open to experiences of bliss, ecstasy and spiritual awakening.

 

- This is not something I usually broadcast, but I believe I can sense when there is spirits in the room or building – and if they are good or bad. Sometimes even if they are male or female. And I strongly believe there is something more between heaven and earth then we know. Such as mind over matter, and healing.

 

13.   Do you have a strong reaction when you drink caffeine or when you attempt to stop?

 

- No not actually, not that I know of. Not unless I drink way too much, but that happens to everyone.

 

14.   Do you have food sensitivities or allergies?

 

- It’s miracle I’m not allergic to myself. And I’m so picky on what I eat. Strong tastes are a no go. And I seem to taste things other people don’t.  Vinegar in ketchup par example.

15. Do you have allergies or asthma?
- Yes…..

 

16. Are you a “lightweight?”
- I can’t seem to hold my drink. But I’m an excellent faker.

 

17. Are you sensitive to over-the-counter, prescribed or illegal drugs?
- Yes.

 

18. If you have ever had surgery, did it take longer to recover from the effects of the anesthesia than from the surgery itself?
- Never tried.

 

19. Is being in a calm, peaceful environment very important for you?

- Absolutely, my house needs to be calm without bold colors. My favorite place in the house are the bathroom, sauna or in bed. Calm and stress free places. And I have to be close to nature so that I can seek grounding when I need to unwind.  And I’m a notorious stress cleaner and declutterer, organizing calms me down. It’s something I think both my colleagues and hubby appreciates. Even though he does find it a bit embarrassing when I start organizing shelf’s in shops while we wait in line.   

20. Do you get claustrophobic when you spend too much time indoors?
- Yes, I don’t like it. It makes me restless, irritated and sometimes even a bit mean. But being mean makes ride the guilt train afterwards.

 

21. Is it important for you to spend time alone?

- It’s mandatory. I need my alone time every day. It makes me uneasy if I don’t get it. Doesn’t really matter what I do, as long as I’m by myself and don’t have to talk to anyone. I need to sort my head out, and not at least all the input. Night time is the best part of the day – the world is quiet. Working out also gives me time to stress down and get my head on straight.

22. Do you experience dramatic mood swings, sometimes for no apparent reason?

- Happens all the time. It doesn’t scare me most of the time. Only time it freaked me out was when I tapped into a really high person (bi polar) and suddenly became as high and uneasy. Let’s just say that working in psychiatric wards wasn’t my thing.

23. Do you know when people are lying to you?
- I feel like a walking talking lie detector sometimes. I also sense when people are hiding something. I can’t always explain why I feel like they are lying or hiding something, I just know something is off. And I see the world in a kind of black or white (with some greyish zones), either I like you or I don’t. And if I feel like you are hiding something, you get on my shit list. I don’t like when people do me wrong either, or someone I love. If you do that, I won’t trust you for a long time.

I you wonder if you are a highly sensitiv person or an empath - here are some more to read.  

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/roya-r-rad-ma-psyd/highly-sensitive-people_b_1286508.html

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

http://www.empathtest.com/

I score high in both tested on HSP and empath - so maybe I'm both? I don't know......

Charter holidays

 I do love holidays, and totally agree that the easiest thing most of the times is to travel on a charter holiday. Everything is sorted out by somebody else, and your problems are always someone else's problem. Really useful when all you want to do on your holiday is relax and let everybody else fix just about everything. It's like traveling with your parents the way it was when you were little, except you have to pay for your self now. 

     

But a few hiccups may still come along. For me it's mostly the people, the place or the resort.  

The people. 

It all starts at the airport. If you ever had doubts about man being a herd animal, a visit there should eliminate all of that. There are two kinds, the one that stay together with their travel company, and move as a complete herd, never budging even an inch to let anyone true even though they are moving at the slowest possible pace possible to man. And there are the ones that stray of from each other all the time, only to discover a second later that they lost their buddy, and then start yelling and waving all over the place to get their attention and try to complete the pack again. If you get caught in the crossfire between this people,you can usually get to listen in on their whole life story and what they plan to buy or not - even if you try your best not to. 

And then you finally get to board the plain. And no matter how many times the flight attendant tells people to either board the plane in a set order, to keep the seatbelt on, stay seated, use the bathroom before meal service, not to take down luggage before the sign with the seat belts get turned of - there is always some idiots that have to do it. Usually the same idiots that never tell their kids to stop kicking the seat in front of them. I don't know what's wrong with them. But clearly they think that ordinary rules don't apply to them. 

The sun bed mafia. 

They are up early in the morning, strutting not so silently in load flip flops across the tiles around the pool, armed with a stack with towels. With a smirk the lay them out carefully on every sun bed  they might want or need during the day. And then they go for breakfast. So when the other kind of people, us, finally becomes human again, there is no luck trying to find a free bed around the pool. It usually ends with us walking around the pool round after round trying to find two that are free, or look like they are going to be free anytime soon. So when we finally do, it's usually good old fashion luck, or because some kid from the sun bed mafia forgot to but their towel on their bed when they went for lunch. 

So me and my man, we bunker down and spread our stuff so that it is obvious that its taken. But when lunch is done, that's when the fun begins. Cause then they come back - the mafia. Looking on us in disbelieve, not really believing that we could be so stupid to think that the beds were free - when all the parents stuff is laying right next to it (oh, what's that yours, well we just moved it, since it wasn't laying directly on the beds and no one came to claim it!). And we lay there watching their reaction behind sunglasses, watching to see their next move, pretending to be asleep if necessary. Half the time they choose to trash talk loudly about how the were saving exactly that bed for later, either in some Scandinavian language or English (ps. those languages don't work for talking secret on charter holiday, the odds for someone speaking either language is quite large). The other half they just opt for making it uncomfortable for us. Move number one; move your sun bed so close to us that it's nearly touching ours. Move two; talk so loud that it's disturbing no matter how high you listen to your music. Move three; make your kids come to you all the time to show you things, the result being dripping cold water all over our stuff and us. Move four; if none of the above has worked come even closer (preferably so close that the sun beds are actually touching). If that's not invading personal space I don't know what is.  Move five; block the access to the pool. 

If your immune to all of this and none of it makes you feel unwanted in their present, you have some kind of superpower I sure as hell don't have. I usually get annoyed by move 3. But I never budge. I refuse to let the sun bed mafia win. I think it's rather amazing that some people are so bad at sharing that they think that they can reserve a sun bed for a whole day even if they are not gonna us it all the time. What is that teaching their kids? That you don't have to share as long you might possibly plan to use it at some point during the day. That's gonna make some really cute kids. 

The British pool terrorists

I'm not saying all British are like this, don't get me wrong! The are plenty of nice British people. But some are not. We have encountered some on this holiday. They are the only grown up people that actually think it's ok to play water volleyball in a pool filled with people that are not. The end result being that good damn ball being thrown on everybody or at least splash on everybody. If your really lucky they also bring a big floating air mattress into the pool, and what  the hell - why not just bring a boat? Combined with continued jumping - probably trying to make the biggest water bomb ever know to man - is the reason I have named them the British pool terrorists. And btw people - everyone speaks English. 

And there is oh so many more things that annoy me, but this is the worst of them...... I leave it at that! 

Torn

Today I’m torn, torn between happiness and sadness. Happiness because I’m leaving for a long needed and romantic holiday with my love, sadness because it also marks the end of a chapter. The other part of the twisted sisters and my soul brother are leaving. And I don’t know when I get to see them again. My twisted sister will come back in a moth or two, I know that, but my soul brother. He has to work and stay home, and home is a different country. He has promised me that he will come back, if not for me, then at least for the other twisted sister. Little did he know that he got the two of us for the price of one.  It’s not like I think he’s going to stop talking to me, but it’s not going to be the same. Here he has been living in the street next to me, I have adjusted to seeing and not at least hear his car drive by a couple times a day. Knowing he’s just around the corner if I want to talk to him. Knowing that I most likely will see him at least a couple of times a week.  Either partying or just going into the Zen zone down by the water – not needing to talk that much, just being and hanging. That is not going to be possible when he has left.  I’m going to look for his car every day for weeks, half expecting to see him pull up the road, even though I know he’s not here.

This last three months it’s been like we all have lived sort of parallel lives.  They have been intertwined both in the ups and down. I’m not going to lie, it’s has been like a whirlwind of emotions and episodes. And it feels like the world his halting to stop today. Our chapter with intertwined lives and common drama stops here. It makes me sad. I would have wished they both could have stayed, here right next to me forever. I like having my people close to me.

But the world doesn’t work like that. He has to go, and she is going with him. So when we get home, they are both gone. It’s going to be a huge vacuum in my life, and at whole lot of empty space that used to be dedicated to those two. Don’t get me wrong. I still got my man right here next to me, but I also need my friends – and especially my girlfriends. Since my man doesn’t do drama, I desperately need someone who does, and can tell me what they really think when I’m at my wit’s ends. I know she’s just a phone call or text away, but still she’s not here just up the street.    

And when they do come back, sadly I don’t think it’s going to be the same. The surroundings have changed, the atmosphere the circumstances, everything – even the people. I do hope that we don’t change, that our friendships stay the same. If they don’t, I still will have so many fond memories to look back on and help me remember this special time.  A song, a flashback or a text, can all bring back the exact feelings I had at the time – just as strong as when they actually happened. I don’t know if that is specific for emphats, after all it’s all I know. If it is, it’s the best part of this blessing/curse.

It’s too bad that I’m so lousy at goodbyes; I never get to say what I really want to say. Somehow It’s always much easier to write it down. At least then you can say what you really want without getting the immediate response and reaction thrown back at you. I always fear that people will think I come on to strong, overwhelming them with emotions and feeling – resulting in them turning me down or labeling me as a tad crazy. It’s a protective mechanism maybe, this not being able to tell them how I sincerely feel upfront and in their faces. Either way, writing is a safe place and judge free environment. Just the way I like it.  

And even thou I do look forward to going on holiday with my man, and I know it’s going to be amazing. I wished it didn’t also mark the end of this amazing chapter in my life. But I always knew this couldn’t last forever. I just didn’t anticipate it would come to an end so fast, and that I would feel so underprepared.